| SORCEROUS SIGNALS |
| Written by Deborah Walker / Artwork by Holly Eddy |
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| Honey the Barbarian Visits her Folks |
Either the enemies are getting stronger, or I'm getting
older, Honey the Barbarian thought, as she packed her
saddle bags with jewelry. Honey's long ordeal in the swamps
was over.
Perhaps they're getting younger. That Snake Queen can't be
a day over twenty.
"Hey, how old are you?" she shouted, but the Snake Queen
slithered off into the mist wreathed distance.
***
Honey decided it was time to visit her parents. Unusually for
a barbarian, she was not an orphan. She liked to visit her
parents every year or so. It bought a little sparkle into their
otherwise mundane existence.
"Hello, darling. Do you think you could clear out your
bedroom?" These were the first words her mother said to
her.
"I have returned," Honey said. "I have battled with the very
essence of evil, withstood diverse enchantments and I have
returned in triumph."
"Well that's wonderful. But if you could clear out your
room..." her mother said. "Please Honey, it's not as if you
use it much. We could really use the space. I want to make it
into a spare weaving room."
Honey felt hurt.
"I didn't think you'd want the room back, Mum. I am a famous barbarian,
you know"
"I know you are. We're very proud of you."
"Well, I thought you might want to keep my room just in case..."
In case anyone wants to look at it. To see where I grew up. Even as she thought those words they
sounded rather unlikely.
"In case what, darling?"
"Oh, never mind."
Honey climbed the ladder which led to the loft bedroom, where she had spent so many days dreaming of
adventure, desperate to leave this small village, to ride the windswept plains, to live the wild life of the
barbarian.
She unlocked her war chests and began to drag out armfuls of clothes, amour, and jewels. All the jewels
were paste—anything valuable she had long since spent. The clothes were bundled into a tightly screwed
ball, all mixed up and wrapped around each other. She stood ankle deep in a sea of silk, satins, furs and
leather. Some of the leather was moldy and had begun to rot, leaving dusty stains on the clothes.
This is the result of twenty years of fighting, she thought. A roomful of old clothes, dinted armor and
worthless jewelry. She picked up a paste ruby and crushed it. She let the powdered jewel fall out of her
fingers.
"How are you getting on, Alice?" her mother yelled.
"The name's Honey, Mother. Honey the Barbarian."
"Sorry darling, I forget sometimes."
Honey could hear her father muttering in the background.
"Alice is a good enough name for you and was good enough for Granny, what's wrong with her?"
Her mother shushed him. Honey sighed, and got on with her job.
"Right then, silks in one pile." She threw a jade silk robe into the corner of the room. It flew for a
moment through the air and then whispered onto the floor. "Furs in another pile and leather in the
other."
She sorted for ten minutes.
"Sweet Snail-God Anuk," she cursed. "This is so boring."
She sorted some more.
"I don't believe it, here's my very first barbarian outfit." She picked up the garment fondly.
Leather knickers and a leather fur-edged bra, studded with fake emeralds. She remembered saving and
saving for this. All the additional weaving she'd had to do to save up the one gold piece it has cost. One
gold piece, she smiled. She gave more than that in tips on a good night at a tavern.
In typical barbarian, fashion Honey spent her money freely. There were many villages on the plains that
welcomed the sight of Honey thundering into view with her saddlebags weighed down with temple gold
and jewels.
You never get a good exchange rate, she thought. Still easy come, easy go, it's the barbarian way.
She decided to try on her old outfit. She took off her practical leather trousers and old stained tunic. She
struggled into the leather knickers and the bra—they felt tight, very tight. She rummaged under the
clothes to retrieve a polished bronze shield that would serve as a mirror.
Things change, Honey thought as she looked at her reflection. Great wedges of flesh hung over the
knickers and the fur lined bra squeezed her breasts together forming some sort of uni-boob.
Was I ever thin enough to wear this? She heard banging downstairs. What on earth are Mum and Dad
doing down there? Oh no, they haven't invited the neighbors around, have they?
She couldn't let people see her like this. She heard a heavy tread on the ladder and then a knock on the
door. A deep voice shouted, "Oh, Honey. I'm home"
Henchmen! They could never resist that line. Many times that weakness for puns had served Honey well.
She grabbed her sword as the door burst open. Two henchmen entered, dressed in the robes of the
Snake Queen cult. They entered , and then stopped, staring in disbelief at the sight of the thirty-five
year old Honey dressed in an itsy-bitsy, leather, studded, fur bikini.
Honey whirled, she slashed, she screamed, she managed to incapacitate the two henchmen and pull on a
robe, before her mother and father came up to see what all the noise was about.
Her mother stared at the unconscious men, lying at Honey's feet.
"It was alright to send them up wasn't it?"
"Oh yes, Mum, we're just having a bit of a laugh, you know, barbarian stuff," Honey said. "Go back,
downstairs, we'll be done in a minute." Her parents left her, her father shaking his head and muttering.
I've still got it, she thought, as she looked at the henchmen who were beginning to regain
consciousness.
"How did you find me?"
One of the trembling henchmen held up a jewel. It sparkled in the sun, refracting green light around the
bedroom.
"It's the Snake Queen's footpath stone, we used it to track you."
"Magic," Honey said scornfully. But she took the stone, it was the largest jewel she had ever seen, it was
certainly not a fake.
"Be gone now," she shouted. "I will not have death in this house. Return here and I will hunt you down."
The henchmen recognized the truth of her words, and they scrambled away, falling over themselves to
escape her.
"This should buy me a few nice outfits," she said admiring the precious stone.
She ran down the ladder.
"They won't hurt you, Mum. But I better go. There's always trouble when I'm around. As for the rest of
the clothes, give them to Minty Farbright. I notice she's grown again since I last visited. And she doesn't
have the weavers' look about her."
She laughed and jumped onto her horse.
"Mum, Dad—see you in a year or so."
She rode out, rode out along the wild windswept plains. The wind blew open her robe to reveal her
leather knickers and bra.
No matter, there were adventures to be had, magic evils to destroy and money to be spent.
"Some things change" Honey shouted, wildly, into the wind "But some things stay the same."
older, Honey the Barbarian thought, as she packed her
saddle bags with jewelry. Honey's long ordeal in the swamps
was over.
Perhaps they're getting younger. That Snake Queen can't be
a day over twenty.
"Hey, how old are you?" she shouted, but the Snake Queen
slithered off into the mist wreathed distance.
***
Honey decided it was time to visit her parents. Unusually for
a barbarian, she was not an orphan. She liked to visit her
parents every year or so. It bought a little sparkle into their
otherwise mundane existence.
"Hello, darling. Do you think you could clear out your
bedroom?" These were the first words her mother said to
her.
"I have returned," Honey said. "I have battled with the very
essence of evil, withstood diverse enchantments and I have
returned in triumph."
"Well that's wonderful. But if you could clear out your
room..." her mother said. "Please Honey, it's not as if you
use it much. We could really use the space. I want to make it
into a spare weaving room."
Honey felt hurt.
"I didn't think you'd want the room back, Mum. I am a famous barbarian,
you know"
"I know you are. We're very proud of you."
"Well, I thought you might want to keep my room just in case..."
In case anyone wants to look at it. To see where I grew up. Even as she thought those words they
sounded rather unlikely.
"In case what, darling?"
"Oh, never mind."
Honey climbed the ladder which led to the loft bedroom, where she had spent so many days dreaming of
adventure, desperate to leave this small village, to ride the windswept plains, to live the wild life of the
barbarian.
She unlocked her war chests and began to drag out armfuls of clothes, amour, and jewels. All the jewels
were paste—anything valuable she had long since spent. The clothes were bundled into a tightly screwed
ball, all mixed up and wrapped around each other. She stood ankle deep in a sea of silk, satins, furs and
leather. Some of the leather was moldy and had begun to rot, leaving dusty stains on the clothes.
This is the result of twenty years of fighting, she thought. A roomful of old clothes, dinted armor and
worthless jewelry. She picked up a paste ruby and crushed it. She let the powdered jewel fall out of her
fingers.
"How are you getting on, Alice?" her mother yelled.
"The name's Honey, Mother. Honey the Barbarian."
"Sorry darling, I forget sometimes."
Honey could hear her father muttering in the background.
"Alice is a good enough name for you and was good enough for Granny, what's wrong with her?"
Her mother shushed him. Honey sighed, and got on with her job.
"Right then, silks in one pile." She threw a jade silk robe into the corner of the room. It flew for a
moment through the air and then whispered onto the floor. "Furs in another pile and leather in the
other."
She sorted for ten minutes.
"Sweet Snail-God Anuk," she cursed. "This is so boring."
She sorted some more.
"I don't believe it, here's my very first barbarian outfit." She picked up the garment fondly.
Leather knickers and a leather fur-edged bra, studded with fake emeralds. She remembered saving and
saving for this. All the additional weaving she'd had to do to save up the one gold piece it has cost. One
gold piece, she smiled. She gave more than that in tips on a good night at a tavern.
In typical barbarian, fashion Honey spent her money freely. There were many villages on the plains that
welcomed the sight of Honey thundering into view with her saddlebags weighed down with temple gold
and jewels.
You never get a good exchange rate, she thought. Still easy come, easy go, it's the barbarian way.
She decided to try on her old outfit. She took off her practical leather trousers and old stained tunic. She
struggled into the leather knickers and the bra—they felt tight, very tight. She rummaged under the
clothes to retrieve a polished bronze shield that would serve as a mirror.
Things change, Honey thought as she looked at her reflection. Great wedges of flesh hung over the
knickers and the fur lined bra squeezed her breasts together forming some sort of uni-boob.
Was I ever thin enough to wear this? She heard banging downstairs. What on earth are Mum and Dad
doing down there? Oh no, they haven't invited the neighbors around, have they?
She couldn't let people see her like this. She heard a heavy tread on the ladder and then a knock on the
door. A deep voice shouted, "Oh, Honey. I'm home"
Henchmen! They could never resist that line. Many times that weakness for puns had served Honey well.
She grabbed her sword as the door burst open. Two henchmen entered, dressed in the robes of the
Snake Queen cult. They entered , and then stopped, staring in disbelief at the sight of the thirty-five
year old Honey dressed in an itsy-bitsy, leather, studded, fur bikini.
Honey whirled, she slashed, she screamed, she managed to incapacitate the two henchmen and pull on a
robe, before her mother and father came up to see what all the noise was about.
Her mother stared at the unconscious men, lying at Honey's feet.
"It was alright to send them up wasn't it?"
"Oh yes, Mum, we're just having a bit of a laugh, you know, barbarian stuff," Honey said. "Go back,
downstairs, we'll be done in a minute." Her parents left her, her father shaking his head and muttering.
I've still got it, she thought, as she looked at the henchmen who were beginning to regain
consciousness.
"How did you find me?"
One of the trembling henchmen held up a jewel. It sparkled in the sun, refracting green light around the
bedroom.
"It's the Snake Queen's footpath stone, we used it to track you."
"Magic," Honey said scornfully. But she took the stone, it was the largest jewel she had ever seen, it was
certainly not a fake.
"Be gone now," she shouted. "I will not have death in this house. Return here and I will hunt you down."
The henchmen recognized the truth of her words, and they scrambled away, falling over themselves to
escape her.
"This should buy me a few nice outfits," she said admiring the precious stone.
She ran down the ladder.
"They won't hurt you, Mum. But I better go. There's always trouble when I'm around. As for the rest of
the clothes, give them to Minty Farbright. I notice she's grown again since I last visited. And she doesn't
have the weavers' look about her."
She laughed and jumped onto her horse.
"Mum, Dad—see you in a year or so."
She rode out, rode out along the wild windswept plains. The wind blew open her robe to reveal her
leather knickers and bra.
No matter, there were adventures to be had, magic evils to destroy and money to be spent.
"Some things change" Honey shouted, wildly, into the wind "But some things stay the same."
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