| SORCEROUS SIGNALS |
| Written by Dale Phillips / Artwork by Marge Simon |
| Make a donation to this writer |
| The Little Guy |
I hear there's a story going around about me
and this chick. You know the one. But the story
they tell twists everything around, makes me
look like the bad guy. It wasn’t like that at all.
It was another deal where I really got the shaft.
So let me tell you about it. The real story, this
time.
I’m a little guy, just over three feet tall, and it’s
always the little guy who gets screwed. It’s
been that way all my life. I’m not much to look
at in the eyes of the world, and I've had it
pretty rough. At the School of Hard Knocks, I
graduated Summa Cum Laude.
It all started with my parents. That's the way
they always tell it on the shrink's couch, right?
First off, mom was a witch. Yeah, a real one,
spells, powers, all that jazz. She lived deep in
the forest, and one day, she met my dad
cutting wood there. Either she was just tired of
being lonely all the time out there in the woods,
or she had a thing for short, ugly guys. Dad
was a typical little guy, a working woodcutter
stiff who never had two coppers to rub
together all his life. Hey, with all the taxes we
pay to the King for his fancy castle and lifestyle,
what do you expect?
Anyway, though neither was a beauty contest
winner, they got hitched just the same, and it
worked for them. And then came me. As you
may or may not know, witches have certain
issues. One is kids. Witches’ kids don’t turn
out like anyone else’s. I came out all wrinkled and ugly, and really, really short. So they gave me this
really weird name. Like I didn’t have enough troubles.
The one thing I did get was a few razzle-dazzle powers. There were certain things I could do under the
right circumstances. Most of it was little better than parlor tricks.
So there I was, a vertically-challenged, poverty-stricken short guy with a dumbass name. I couldn’t go to
school, so all the learning I got was at home. We had some hard times, but at least my folks took care of
me.
As you can guess, though, my social life was a bit lacking. One thing I missed out on was girls. There
wasn't anybody in our part of the forest that would go out with me. So there were a lot of lonely nights
as I was growing up, and the only date I had was Rosie Palmer and her sisters. I did catch this one
show, though, where this really hot chick was doing a group of dwarfs. That gave me some hope for a
while, but I heard she married some rich dude and left the business. So much for girls who like short
guys.
So I grew up without the um, first-hand experience I desired. But I did get to see what it was all about,
because one thing I got from Mumsy is the ability to slip in and out of places where the bigger folk can't
go. Allows me to see things most people don't. I've even gone to the Royal Castle up on the Hill and
spied on them from time to time. Hoo, boy, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that went on up there
after the Queen died. Let’s just say the King had some strange company at night to keep him warm. But
that's a story for another time.
So anyway, there was this stuck-up, spoiled-rotten chick in the forest. Prom queen, cheerleader, all of
that. Her mom had visions of moving up, and she wanted the girl to marry well so they could all move up
and get out of the forest. She raised her thinking she was better than anyone else, so she'd be ready
when the right sucker came along. Mom figures if the girl gets out some, gets around in the wide, wide
world, maybe she'll catch the eye of some rich guy. Opportunities in our part of the forest were limited.
But, she couldn't just drop the girl in at Royal Court, she had to have some kind of in.
So she taught the daughter to use a spinning wheel. It was the big thing in those days, and there were
a lot of spinning contests at the big fairs. She figures if the girl can win a few of these contests, maybe
she'll get some notice, maybe even some offers. She trains the girl for years, keeps after her, and the
girl grows up to be the Tiger Woods of spinning. Wins all the prizes at the local fairs, starts getting
some notice, all right.
The mom plays it all up, goes around telling everyone this girl is like magic, she's so good. It was great
stuff, sure, but it wasn't magic. I should know. Hey, with one of Mumsy's spells, even I could do better.
But there’s the girls’ mother, shooting off her mouth to everyone who would listen.
Next thing the chick knows, she's up in front of the Royal Court, and the King himself is asking her if she
can really spin straw into gold, like he's been hearing about. I was there that day, watching from a special
place high up in the rafters, and the girl had no response. She knew mom had just hyped it up, and
didn't want to call her a liar, so she just sat there blushing. The King got pretty pissed off. He ordered
the girl taken to the high tower. I followed, and saw what happened. He had her locked in a room with a
spinning wheel and a pile of straw, and told her to spin it all into gold, or he'd have her head chopped off.
Well, her little world had come crashing to a halt. She kept crying and wouldn't stop. After awhile, I felt
sorry for her. It was pretty extreme, you gotta admit. And then I started seeing how I could turn the
situation into a win-win. Hey, this chick had never given me the time of day. Maybe now she'd say hello,
since I was her only chance.
So I popped into view, in all my three feet of glory. Scared the crap out of her. She stopped crying long
enough to ask who I was. Of course I didn't tell her my name, because with my magic blood, the given
name is the source of your powers. So I just told her I was there to help her out of her situation. She
asked how I would help her to escape, and I said no, I'd take care of the task for her. She didn't believe I
could do it, but I proved it with a little help from my mojo bag. Of course, the stuff I spun out wasn't
really true gold, but it was close enough for anyone who didn't know any better.
So she asked what I'd take to help her out. She didn't have any cash, or anything of value to offer me.
She tried to pawn off one of her rings, but I declined the hunk of junk, eight-silver special from the
Jewelry Emporium, thanks very much.
I got to thinking about all the times this chick had dissed some guy because he wasn't good-looking
enough or rich enough. And I thought about how here was my one big chance. So I laid it out for her.
You come across, baby, and your troubles are over. She, of course, started crying again. After awhile,
she could see the waterworks weren't going to convince me, and she started pleading. I'm a virgin, she
says, I was saving myself for marriage. Yeah, I'll bet mom made sure of that, to keep the value. No dice,
baby, I said to her, the price is set. Then she says, well okay, but I gotta spin the stuff for her first.
So I get to work. No problem, Mumsy had those spells down cold. I've got the stuff humming off the
wheel, piling up, looking just like gold, as the light of dawn is coming into the sky. She's biting her lip,
and I think she's just nervous about what's coming next. So I finish up and stand up with a big smile on
my face, and she tells me in a real snooty way to get lost. I couldn't believe it, she was welching on the
deal. I was some mad, let me tell you. Before I could turn all the stuff back into straw, I heard the
footsteps coming to the door.
I got out of sight just in time. The King opens up, sees the pile of what he thinks is gold, and looks at
her. She's like the cat who swallowed the canary, thinking she's got her ticket and all is right with the
world. But the King throws her a curveball. Very nice, he says, and has more straw brought in, twice as
much as the night before. Spin this up by dawn tomorrow, he says, and all will be well.
Well, I almost fell out of my perch I was laughing so hard. You should have seen the look on her face.
Here she was thinking she'd put one over on me, and the big guy himself double-crossed her just as
neatly.
Well, I let her stew for awhile, calling out for me, knowing I was her only hope. She looking pretty
desperate by the time I showed up with a big smile on my face. She apologized and cried some more,
begged me to help her. I said she had shown herself to be a liar and not worthy of being saved. She
cried some more, and wailed about being tormented and trapped, and in the end, I relented.
But the terms were different this time. Payment up front was the new rule. She finally figured the deal
was worth it, and walked over to the bed and undid her gown. When it fell away, there was the perfect,
lovely, ripe body of a young maiden, all for me to do with as I would.
What I discovered was that when a beautiful young woman wants to be nice to you, she can be very
persuasive indeed. That night was more than I could have ever expected in my dreams. The sensations,
the feel of her milky flesh beneath my fingers, the slow buildup, the release. And then again. And again.
Girly turned out to be a bit of a freak in the sack, what can I say? Maybe her mom keeping her cooped
up like that frustrated her a bit as well. For the first time in my life, I had a woman trying to please me,
with all the wiles at her command. It was heavenly.
It was also exhausting. About two hours before dawn, I couldn't do any more, and besides, I still had a
roomful of straw to spin up. She was fast asleep, and let me tell you, as I watched her lie there and
breathe slowly in the rhythm of sleep, I understood what it was all about.
I didn't even think about skipping out. Even though she'd screwed me by not screwing me that first
night, I forgave her and kept up my part of the bargain. So I worked my magic, and just as the sun
came peeping up, I finished the last bit. She woke and looked around at the roomful of work, and smiled.
I heard the footsteps coming near, and left before anyone could see me. Let her get her reward, and
more power to her. I'd had the best night of my life.
Hours later, I came back to see how it had all turned out. I was surprised, although I shouldn't have
been, to discover that dirty bugger King had messed her over once again. Those guys in power never
keep their word. He had dumped even more straw in and told her this was the final test, third time’s a
charm.
She was crying again, but stopped when she saw me, and begged me once again to help her out. I was
dismayed, because much as I would have liked to repeat the night before, to tell you the truth, I was still
sore and couldn't imagine any more activity of the sort for awhile.
But I could sense something. Our night of exercise had produced an unexpected result. My magic seed
had proved quite potent, and the young lady was now carrying my child. Oh, the thoughts that went
through my head. I was thrilled. I'd now have a family of my own. But when I looked in her face, I saw
only hardness, and knew she'd never accept me as the father. Well, that was my kid, too, and I'd have a
lot fewer chances than her to produce something like that.
So I laid out the new terms for her. I'd help her one last time, but only if I got her first-born child, which
was the one she didn't know she was already working on. A year and a day from now, I'd return to claim
it. She shrugged and of course, accepted the bargain. Hey, if she didn't, she'd never have a kid anyway,
and from her point of view it was a long way off. I took her cheapo ring to seal the deal, as a pledge of
her word.
So I did my thing, spun the straw up. So much use of my magic powers meant I had to go lay up for
long months, recharge my batteries, so to speak. So I said goodbye and went off to my place in the
deep woods to go into a kind of hibernation while I got my powers back. And the sweet dreams I
dreamed were all of being a father, and the magic of that one special night.
When I came back to town, a lot had changed. You'll never guess what that old bugger the King did. He
was so impressed with the girl, he married her. Can you believe it? Thrice her age, and the old coot takes
her as a bride.
Well, you can guess her mom was some pleased. She'd wanted a good catch, but a King? And she
convinced the girl to forgive the old bugger for threatening to cut her head off and all that. Hey, he's
king, they do stuff like that. So they’d had a big wedding, right away, and then a baby in the natural
course of time.
The King was thinking he was the dad, and feeling pretty pleased with himself. If he'd know it was me, I
can just imagine what he would have done.
So I show up one night when the Queen is all alone with her new baby. I got a look at him in the
bassinet, and let me tell you, I've never been prouder. He was a beauty, looked more like his mom than
me, lucky for him. I'd got all kinds of advice from Mumsy and was looking forward to raising him, and
giving him a better time of it than I had.
Queenie freezes up when she sees me. What, like she figured I wouldn't show up for my kid? I claim it's
time, and she starts spouting all this legalese, and says things are different now. Yeah, different is when
somebody isn't in trouble anymore and they don't need your help, so they renege on their debt. She's
queen now and has everything she wants, so screw the little guy who got her there.
I was pretty mad she'd gone back on her word once again. We have ways of dealing with people like that
in our land. I told her she had one chance. If she could guess my secret name in three days, she could
keep the kid and I'd go away and never bother her again. This was a slam dunk for me, because nobody
knew my secret name but Mumsy and me.
So Queenie starts reeling off a list of every name she could think of. Yeah, like I'd have made this deal if
my name was William. She goes on like this for awhile, until nightfall, when I went away, telling her I'd be
back in the morning. So who was she going to get to help her out of a jam this time?
I return the next day, and she has a scribe there to help out with all the guessing. She's got the Big
Book of Baby Names, and is going through the thing as fast as she can. Listen, sister, my name isn't in
any book, and you'll never get it. But she kept plugging away.
This goes on all day, and she hasn't even come close. She's hoarse from saying all the names, and tired
from the stress. She'd gone through the name book, and two others, and tried everything else. I could
imagine what she’d say to the King to tell him how his son had been taken because of an old debt.
I was pretty happy when I left for the night. Tomorrow I'd listen to her make her final guesses, and then
I'd take my son and go. It made me want to celebrate. Me, a father. The little guy would come out on top
at last. After tomorrow, I'd be responsible, so tonight was my last chance to have a few pops. I dropped
by this tavern called the Unicorn's Horn and started ordering wine. Well, you know, I never drank much,
and with my size and all, the stuff hit me pretty quick.
After awhile, I left, with a bottle to go. I got out into the woods, built a fire, and drank the rest of the
bottle. I was crying, laughing, dancing around. Everything I'd gone through came welling up, making me
want to get it out or bust. I laughed to think how Queenie would never guess my name, and shouted it
out. I fell asleep out there, passed out by the fire.
Next morning, I felt like crap with a King-sized hangover. My head hurt like hell, but I went to get my kid.
I was in pain, but happy. I slipped into the palace and made my way to the queen's chamber.
She sat there, once again looking like the cat who swallowed the canary. I knew she was up to
something, and looked around for whatever surprise she had planned. I checked the bassinet, to make
sure she hadn't switched babies, which would have been just like her. I shrugged, because no matter
how many guards she called, there was no way she could stop me. I was going to win one for the little
guy.
She made a few lame-o guesses while I looked in vain for some coffee. She said she was out of ideas, so
I went for the bassinet. As I reached it, she mentioned that she'd had people combing the forest the last
couple nights. And one of her guys had seen some drunken little guy in a clearing. My heart froze. She
laughed, and said he'd heard some funny name. And then she spoke it, and I felt everything slipping
away.
So here I sit in the forest, alone and bitter, while that woman raises my kid. At least he'll have a good
life, even if he'll never know his father. How about that? I'm the father of the prince, and no one will
know. Even if a little guy saves the day and makes it all happen, we never get the credit. Ain't life unfair?
and this chick. You know the one. But the story
they tell twists everything around, makes me
look like the bad guy. It wasn’t like that at all.
It was another deal where I really got the shaft.
So let me tell you about it. The real story, this
time.
I’m a little guy, just over three feet tall, and it’s
always the little guy who gets screwed. It’s
been that way all my life. I’m not much to look
at in the eyes of the world, and I've had it
pretty rough. At the School of Hard Knocks, I
graduated Summa Cum Laude.
It all started with my parents. That's the way
they always tell it on the shrink's couch, right?
First off, mom was a witch. Yeah, a real one,
spells, powers, all that jazz. She lived deep in
the forest, and one day, she met my dad
cutting wood there. Either she was just tired of
being lonely all the time out there in the woods,
or she had a thing for short, ugly guys. Dad
was a typical little guy, a working woodcutter
stiff who never had two coppers to rub
together all his life. Hey, with all the taxes we
pay to the King for his fancy castle and lifestyle,
what do you expect?
Anyway, though neither was a beauty contest
winner, they got hitched just the same, and it
worked for them. And then came me. As you
may or may not know, witches have certain
issues. One is kids. Witches’ kids don’t turn
out like anyone else’s. I came out all wrinkled and ugly, and really, really short. So they gave me this
really weird name. Like I didn’t have enough troubles.
The one thing I did get was a few razzle-dazzle powers. There were certain things I could do under the
right circumstances. Most of it was little better than parlor tricks.
So there I was, a vertically-challenged, poverty-stricken short guy with a dumbass name. I couldn’t go to
school, so all the learning I got was at home. We had some hard times, but at least my folks took care of
me.
As you can guess, though, my social life was a bit lacking. One thing I missed out on was girls. There
wasn't anybody in our part of the forest that would go out with me. So there were a lot of lonely nights
as I was growing up, and the only date I had was Rosie Palmer and her sisters. I did catch this one
show, though, where this really hot chick was doing a group of dwarfs. That gave me some hope for a
while, but I heard she married some rich dude and left the business. So much for girls who like short
guys.
So I grew up without the um, first-hand experience I desired. But I did get to see what it was all about,
because one thing I got from Mumsy is the ability to slip in and out of places where the bigger folk can't
go. Allows me to see things most people don't. I've even gone to the Royal Castle up on the Hill and
spied on them from time to time. Hoo, boy, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that went on up there
after the Queen died. Let’s just say the King had some strange company at night to keep him warm. But
that's a story for another time.
So anyway, there was this stuck-up, spoiled-rotten chick in the forest. Prom queen, cheerleader, all of
that. Her mom had visions of moving up, and she wanted the girl to marry well so they could all move up
and get out of the forest. She raised her thinking she was better than anyone else, so she'd be ready
when the right sucker came along. Mom figures if the girl gets out some, gets around in the wide, wide
world, maybe she'll catch the eye of some rich guy. Opportunities in our part of the forest were limited.
But, she couldn't just drop the girl in at Royal Court, she had to have some kind of in.
So she taught the daughter to use a spinning wheel. It was the big thing in those days, and there were
a lot of spinning contests at the big fairs. She figures if the girl can win a few of these contests, maybe
she'll get some notice, maybe even some offers. She trains the girl for years, keeps after her, and the
girl grows up to be the Tiger Woods of spinning. Wins all the prizes at the local fairs, starts getting
some notice, all right.
The mom plays it all up, goes around telling everyone this girl is like magic, she's so good. It was great
stuff, sure, but it wasn't magic. I should know. Hey, with one of Mumsy's spells, even I could do better.
But there’s the girls’ mother, shooting off her mouth to everyone who would listen.
Next thing the chick knows, she's up in front of the Royal Court, and the King himself is asking her if she
can really spin straw into gold, like he's been hearing about. I was there that day, watching from a special
place high up in the rafters, and the girl had no response. She knew mom had just hyped it up, and
didn't want to call her a liar, so she just sat there blushing. The King got pretty pissed off. He ordered
the girl taken to the high tower. I followed, and saw what happened. He had her locked in a room with a
spinning wheel and a pile of straw, and told her to spin it all into gold, or he'd have her head chopped off.
Well, her little world had come crashing to a halt. She kept crying and wouldn't stop. After awhile, I felt
sorry for her. It was pretty extreme, you gotta admit. And then I started seeing how I could turn the
situation into a win-win. Hey, this chick had never given me the time of day. Maybe now she'd say hello,
since I was her only chance.
So I popped into view, in all my three feet of glory. Scared the crap out of her. She stopped crying long
enough to ask who I was. Of course I didn't tell her my name, because with my magic blood, the given
name is the source of your powers. So I just told her I was there to help her out of her situation. She
asked how I would help her to escape, and I said no, I'd take care of the task for her. She didn't believe I
could do it, but I proved it with a little help from my mojo bag. Of course, the stuff I spun out wasn't
really true gold, but it was close enough for anyone who didn't know any better.
So she asked what I'd take to help her out. She didn't have any cash, or anything of value to offer me.
She tried to pawn off one of her rings, but I declined the hunk of junk, eight-silver special from the
Jewelry Emporium, thanks very much.
I got to thinking about all the times this chick had dissed some guy because he wasn't good-looking
enough or rich enough. And I thought about how here was my one big chance. So I laid it out for her.
You come across, baby, and your troubles are over. She, of course, started crying again. After awhile,
she could see the waterworks weren't going to convince me, and she started pleading. I'm a virgin, she
says, I was saving myself for marriage. Yeah, I'll bet mom made sure of that, to keep the value. No dice,
baby, I said to her, the price is set. Then she says, well okay, but I gotta spin the stuff for her first.
So I get to work. No problem, Mumsy had those spells down cold. I've got the stuff humming off the
wheel, piling up, looking just like gold, as the light of dawn is coming into the sky. She's biting her lip,
and I think she's just nervous about what's coming next. So I finish up and stand up with a big smile on
my face, and she tells me in a real snooty way to get lost. I couldn't believe it, she was welching on the
deal. I was some mad, let me tell you. Before I could turn all the stuff back into straw, I heard the
footsteps coming to the door.
I got out of sight just in time. The King opens up, sees the pile of what he thinks is gold, and looks at
her. She's like the cat who swallowed the canary, thinking she's got her ticket and all is right with the
world. But the King throws her a curveball. Very nice, he says, and has more straw brought in, twice as
much as the night before. Spin this up by dawn tomorrow, he says, and all will be well.
Well, I almost fell out of my perch I was laughing so hard. You should have seen the look on her face.
Here she was thinking she'd put one over on me, and the big guy himself double-crossed her just as
neatly.
Well, I let her stew for awhile, calling out for me, knowing I was her only hope. She looking pretty
desperate by the time I showed up with a big smile on my face. She apologized and cried some more,
begged me to help her. I said she had shown herself to be a liar and not worthy of being saved. She
cried some more, and wailed about being tormented and trapped, and in the end, I relented.
But the terms were different this time. Payment up front was the new rule. She finally figured the deal
was worth it, and walked over to the bed and undid her gown. When it fell away, there was the perfect,
lovely, ripe body of a young maiden, all for me to do with as I would.
What I discovered was that when a beautiful young woman wants to be nice to you, she can be very
persuasive indeed. That night was more than I could have ever expected in my dreams. The sensations,
the feel of her milky flesh beneath my fingers, the slow buildup, the release. And then again. And again.
Girly turned out to be a bit of a freak in the sack, what can I say? Maybe her mom keeping her cooped
up like that frustrated her a bit as well. For the first time in my life, I had a woman trying to please me,
with all the wiles at her command. It was heavenly.
It was also exhausting. About two hours before dawn, I couldn't do any more, and besides, I still had a
roomful of straw to spin up. She was fast asleep, and let me tell you, as I watched her lie there and
breathe slowly in the rhythm of sleep, I understood what it was all about.
I didn't even think about skipping out. Even though she'd screwed me by not screwing me that first
night, I forgave her and kept up my part of the bargain. So I worked my magic, and just as the sun
came peeping up, I finished the last bit. She woke and looked around at the roomful of work, and smiled.
I heard the footsteps coming near, and left before anyone could see me. Let her get her reward, and
more power to her. I'd had the best night of my life.
Hours later, I came back to see how it had all turned out. I was surprised, although I shouldn't have
been, to discover that dirty bugger King had messed her over once again. Those guys in power never
keep their word. He had dumped even more straw in and told her this was the final test, third time’s a
charm.
She was crying again, but stopped when she saw me, and begged me once again to help her out. I was
dismayed, because much as I would have liked to repeat the night before, to tell you the truth, I was still
sore and couldn't imagine any more activity of the sort for awhile.
But I could sense something. Our night of exercise had produced an unexpected result. My magic seed
had proved quite potent, and the young lady was now carrying my child. Oh, the thoughts that went
through my head. I was thrilled. I'd now have a family of my own. But when I looked in her face, I saw
only hardness, and knew she'd never accept me as the father. Well, that was my kid, too, and I'd have a
lot fewer chances than her to produce something like that.
So I laid out the new terms for her. I'd help her one last time, but only if I got her first-born child, which
was the one she didn't know she was already working on. A year and a day from now, I'd return to claim
it. She shrugged and of course, accepted the bargain. Hey, if she didn't, she'd never have a kid anyway,
and from her point of view it was a long way off. I took her cheapo ring to seal the deal, as a pledge of
her word.
So I did my thing, spun the straw up. So much use of my magic powers meant I had to go lay up for
long months, recharge my batteries, so to speak. So I said goodbye and went off to my place in the
deep woods to go into a kind of hibernation while I got my powers back. And the sweet dreams I
dreamed were all of being a father, and the magic of that one special night.
When I came back to town, a lot had changed. You'll never guess what that old bugger the King did. He
was so impressed with the girl, he married her. Can you believe it? Thrice her age, and the old coot takes
her as a bride.
Well, you can guess her mom was some pleased. She'd wanted a good catch, but a King? And she
convinced the girl to forgive the old bugger for threatening to cut her head off and all that. Hey, he's
king, they do stuff like that. So they’d had a big wedding, right away, and then a baby in the natural
course of time.
The King was thinking he was the dad, and feeling pretty pleased with himself. If he'd know it was me, I
can just imagine what he would have done.
So I show up one night when the Queen is all alone with her new baby. I got a look at him in the
bassinet, and let me tell you, I've never been prouder. He was a beauty, looked more like his mom than
me, lucky for him. I'd got all kinds of advice from Mumsy and was looking forward to raising him, and
giving him a better time of it than I had.
Queenie freezes up when she sees me. What, like she figured I wouldn't show up for my kid? I claim it's
time, and she starts spouting all this legalese, and says things are different now. Yeah, different is when
somebody isn't in trouble anymore and they don't need your help, so they renege on their debt. She's
queen now and has everything she wants, so screw the little guy who got her there.
I was pretty mad she'd gone back on her word once again. We have ways of dealing with people like that
in our land. I told her she had one chance. If she could guess my secret name in three days, she could
keep the kid and I'd go away and never bother her again. This was a slam dunk for me, because nobody
knew my secret name but Mumsy and me.
So Queenie starts reeling off a list of every name she could think of. Yeah, like I'd have made this deal if
my name was William. She goes on like this for awhile, until nightfall, when I went away, telling her I'd be
back in the morning. So who was she going to get to help her out of a jam this time?
I return the next day, and she has a scribe there to help out with all the guessing. She's got the Big
Book of Baby Names, and is going through the thing as fast as she can. Listen, sister, my name isn't in
any book, and you'll never get it. But she kept plugging away.
This goes on all day, and she hasn't even come close. She's hoarse from saying all the names, and tired
from the stress. She'd gone through the name book, and two others, and tried everything else. I could
imagine what she’d say to the King to tell him how his son had been taken because of an old debt.
I was pretty happy when I left for the night. Tomorrow I'd listen to her make her final guesses, and then
I'd take my son and go. It made me want to celebrate. Me, a father. The little guy would come out on top
at last. After tomorrow, I'd be responsible, so tonight was my last chance to have a few pops. I dropped
by this tavern called the Unicorn's Horn and started ordering wine. Well, you know, I never drank much,
and with my size and all, the stuff hit me pretty quick.
After awhile, I left, with a bottle to go. I got out into the woods, built a fire, and drank the rest of the
bottle. I was crying, laughing, dancing around. Everything I'd gone through came welling up, making me
want to get it out or bust. I laughed to think how Queenie would never guess my name, and shouted it
out. I fell asleep out there, passed out by the fire.
Next morning, I felt like crap with a King-sized hangover. My head hurt like hell, but I went to get my kid.
I was in pain, but happy. I slipped into the palace and made my way to the queen's chamber.
She sat there, once again looking like the cat who swallowed the canary. I knew she was up to
something, and looked around for whatever surprise she had planned. I checked the bassinet, to make
sure she hadn't switched babies, which would have been just like her. I shrugged, because no matter
how many guards she called, there was no way she could stop me. I was going to win one for the little
guy.
She made a few lame-o guesses while I looked in vain for some coffee. She said she was out of ideas, so
I went for the bassinet. As I reached it, she mentioned that she'd had people combing the forest the last
couple nights. And one of her guys had seen some drunken little guy in a clearing. My heart froze. She
laughed, and said he'd heard some funny name. And then she spoke it, and I felt everything slipping
away.
So here I sit in the forest, alone and bitter, while that woman raises my kid. At least he'll have a good
life, even if he'll never know his father. How about that? I'm the father of the prince, and no one will
know. Even if a little guy saves the day and makes it all happen, we never get the credit. Ain't life unfair?
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Dale studied writing with Stephen King, has written three
novels, and published short stories in Plot magazine, Space
& Time, Ethereal Gazette, Big Pulp, Crime and Suspense,
Atomjack, Aoife’s Kiss, House of Horror, and an upcoming
issue of Kasma.
He has appeared on stage, television, and in an independent
feature film, Throg. He has also appeared on two nationally
televised quiz shows, Jeopardy and Think Twice. He co-
wrote and acted in The Nine, a short political satire film,
available at www.Libertynewstv.com. He has traveled to all
50 states, Mexico, Canada, and through Europe.
Visit his website at: www.daletphillips.com
novels, and published short stories in Plot magazine, Space
& Time, Ethereal Gazette, Big Pulp, Crime and Suspense,
Atomjack, Aoife’s Kiss, House of Horror, and an upcoming
issue of Kasma.
He has appeared on stage, television, and in an independent
feature film, Throg. He has also appeared on two nationally
televised quiz shows, Jeopardy and Think Twice. He co-
wrote and acted in The Nine, a short political satire film,
available at www.Libertynewstv.com. He has traveled to all
50 states, Mexico, Canada, and through Europe.
Visit his website at: www.daletphillips.com